Cullenmania 2: House of Fun
by s. du jour
Summary: Standalone sequel to Mythical Madness. Rosalie is visiting the Denali coven. Unsupervised, Emmett starts a joke shop, and it all goes downhill from there. Where is Edward's hat? Why is Jasper crazy about green slime? And vampires can't sleep - can they?
1. Prologue

***Cues balloons and cheers* I'm back!**

**For any first-time readers of Cullenmania, welcome! (Am I allowed to say that when there's only one other story in the series?) This is a stand-alone story, but there are a few in-jokes tossed in there that you won't get unless you've read Cullenmania 1: Mythical Madness. You can find it on my profile- darn html editor won't let me link it.  
**

**For any second-time readers, welcome to you, too! Great to see ya again! **

**Again, we continue with disclaimers in the form of bad poetry..  
**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**SMeyer, you own Twilight  
SMeyer, you're not me  
If I claimed to own it,  
You fully have my permission to kick me where it hurts. Really hard.**

**Ha! You thought I was going to rhyme, didn't you?**

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PROLOGUE:

"Oh, but can't I come?" whined Emmett at the news of his wife's departure to Denali – without him.

"No," Rosalie admonished him. "Irina said you weren't to come back inside of this millennium."

"Oh, yeah…" Emmett trailed off. Irina's reaction had been anything but sweetness and light when she'd discovered that he'd broken the eastern wall of the house.

"Well, she _had_ just painted a new mural on it. I don't blame her for being so upset. Emmett, how could you?"

"It wasn't my fault!" Emmett said indignantly. Rosalie just looked at him. "Okay, okay, it was my fault."

Esme spoke up from across the room. "I still don't understand how you managed to break it, Emmett."

"Nobody does," sighed Rosalie, looking at the clock. "Sorry, Emmett, I really have to go now."

"But Rosalie—"

"_No_, Emmett." And then Rosalie was gone, before her husband could utter another word.

"Aww, Rose…" Emmett, momentarily depressed, suddenly realised that his wife's three-day-long trip would be a whole lot more fun now that she couldn't stop him from doing something he'd always dreamed of…

"Hey, Alice!" he called downstairs.

"What?"

"Can you take me shopping?"

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**I beg of thee to review. Any typos, sentences that make you cringe, tell me. Also note that if you put this story on your favourites list (or any story, really) the site won't alert you. You have to put it on alert as well. I know it sounds a bit like I should've figured it out before, but I only just found this out, so I'm spreading the word just in case.**

**~Steph.**


	2. The Full Experience

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Oh, sing of a story, of Twilighted craziness,  
Hey nonny, nonny, hey nonny, no!  
Oh, sing of a story, of Cullenised randomness,  
Hey nonny, nonny, hey nonny no!**

**Oh, sing of my fanfic,  
Inspired by Steph Meyer,  
Of whose work, I own nothing,  
Sing louder, sing higher!**

**Oh, friends, sing a story of Twilight and Cullenness,  
Friends, sing a story of author mistakenness,  
For I'll never own Twilight; that's how it should be,  
And now, let the fangirls all squeal and squee!**

**I'd apologise for being completely random, but that would defeat the purpose of pretty much everything I write.**

**

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**

"Roll up, roll up everybody! Come and see Emmett's House Of Fun, Joke Shop Extraordinaire!" Alice, resplendent in a giant faux-fur hat and matching cape, was enjoying herself enormously.

"Itching powder? Whoopee cushions? Those telescopes that leave ink around your eye when you take them away? Emmett's got you covered!" A dunce-capped Emmett, wearing a false moustache and glasses, gave a wink and a thumbs up to Bella, who tried not to giggle. Edward, who was standing next to her, cracked a rare smile.

"Come see Emmett in Emmett's House Of Fun, Joke Shop Extraordinaire; second storey and third door on the left!"

"And… Cut!" said Bella. "That's a wrap!" Jasper shut the camera off for her.

"Where did you say the joke shop was, dear?" Esme inquired.

"Second storey, third on the left," recited Emmett, pleased with himself.

"Wasn't that your bedroom, Emmett?" Carlisle asked.

"Yep!" nodded Emmett emphatically.

"Well, dear, what are you going to do when Rosalie gets back?" Esme inquired.

"Oh, Rose won't mind," said Emmett confidently. Esme shook her head indulgently, but said no more.

"You know, you can't _really_ use that as an actual commercial," said Edward.

"Oh, I know," replied Emmett. "I just wanted the full experience. If you run a business, you _have_ to have a commercial, whether you use it or not."

"Ah." Carlisle nodded. Whether or not Emmett made sense, it was usually best to go along with him. The results were always… interesting, to say the least.

"Come see!" Emmett bounded up the stairs.

"Come on," said Alice. "Let's go have a look." The tiny vampire took her large husband's hand and dragged him upstairs.

"I wonder what it's like," speculated Bella, as she, Edward, Carlisle, and Esme followed the two toward Emmett and Rosalie's bedroom.

"Well, whatever it is, it's going to be interesting," muttered Edward, as curious as Bella.

"But don't you know already, Edward?" asked Carlisle.

"He and Alice have done their absolute best not to think about it."

They reached the second storey, opened the third door on the left, and, together, walked into a riotous blaze of colour.

"Wow," said Bella, not a little stunned. "It's very… bright."

"I know!" grinned Emmett. "Alice found the clown drapes specially."

"Tell me you didn't, Alice," groaned Edward under his breath.

"I didn't!" Alice hissed back. "That was all _him_!"

Unfortunately, Alice was right. The walls were festooned with masks, clown-printed drapes, and tinsel; the bed converted into a giant display bench, upon which lay packets and packets of practical joke kits. To the side of the door was a set of funhouse mirrors, and next to _those_ was a makeshift counter, draped in yet more of the same hideous fabric.

"You'd better hope this phase ends before Rosalie gets home," whispered Bella to Carlisle and Esme, neither of whom looked very confident.

Emmett, oblivious, bounced behind a counter. "Welcome!" he boomed happily. "Can I interest you in some fake soap?" Everyone shook their heads.

"A whoopee cushion?" Heads, again, were shaken.

"Anything?" Emmett almost pleaded. Again, no response. And then:

"Emmett, do you have any green slime?" requested Jasper, feeling sorry for his anxious brother.

Emmett's smile broadened at the thought of an actual customer. It was clear that the reality of being a shopkeeper "Why, yes, sir, yes I do." He jumped to the bed, and rummaged through the packets, finally pulling one out. He slid back to the 'counter'.

"That will be five million dollars, sir!" he stated, with the air of a child playing 'shop'.

He held out his hand flamboyantly as Jasper nonchalantly fished a chequebook out of his pocket and completed one of the cheques.

"Five million dollars!" Bella caught her breath. Edward shrugged. Alice rolled her eyes.

"There you are, sir," said Emmett confidently, and then, rather less professionally, "You're gonna have so much _fun_ with that, Jasper!"

Jasper grinned. Emmett's enthusiasm was literally _too_ contagious. "You know what? I think I will."

"Oh, _now_ he's done it!" said Alice, who didn't know whether to be happy, annoyed, in despair, or just plain confused. Edward, having seen her vision, nodded less solemnly than he meant to, as they all watched Emmett and Jasper play with the green, bouncy goo. And the longer they watched, and the longer they stayed in the room, and the longer Jasper was around, the more they all began to think it was funnier, and funnier, and funnier…

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**Okay. Now I can start chatting. I'm really sorry I haven't updated in ages- to tell you the truth, I'm not even half-way through with writing this story yet, and I know where I want it to go, but it's just... not... GOING! So I panicked and I've been trying to put off posting until I'm absolutely sure I can finish this story. But, look, it's unfair to make you guys wait whilst (while? whilst?) I actually DO have stuff you haven't seen yet, so I'm sorry for that. And, well, I'm going to have to quell my artistic sensibilities when they try to take over, and just finish the story. And I will. Pwomise.**


	3. Edward Plucks The Chicken's Motivation

"Hey, look at this!" shouted Alice exuberantly. "It's a joke book!"

She held up a giant book that a human of her size should never have been able to lift. However, Alice _was_ a vampire, and lift it, she did. A gob of slime flew past her head, bounced off the wall behind her and flew back into Jasper's hand. But Alice didn't notice, too lost in raptures to care.

"This is so _cool_!" Emmett and Jasper were definitely having an effect on her. "Listen: Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To watch the man lay bricks," smirked Edward, having plucked the correct answer from her head.

"Hey!" Alice complained.

"Sorry."

But Alice's attention had already shifted to her favourite pastime: that of shopping.

"So, Emmett, can I buy this, please?"

"Sure," said Emmett, leaving Jasper to play alone with his green goo. "That's ninety-one million and seven dollars, thanks, Alice."

"Ninety-one million?" Even Edward shook his head at that particular overpriced figure.

"And seven?" Bella queried. The number, tacked onto the end of what seemed to be the real price, didn't make sense.

"Shipping and handling." Emmett told her matter-of-factly.

"Here you are, Emmett!" Alice finished writing a cheque and handed it over.

"Okey-dokey," said Emmett. "There you go, Al'. Oh! did you want it gift-wrapped?"

"Whatcha think, Bella? Should I?" Alice wanted to know. Something suspiciously green flew out the door with the force of a bullet. Jasper raced after it.

"Sounds good to me," said a bemused Bella. "Do _you_ want to look for something, Edward?"

"If you do."

They walked toward the bed, and stared at the collection on display. "Fake noses? Handshake buzzers?" wondered Edward softly. "Why on earth…"

"Don't worry about it, Edward," smiled Bella, watching Emmett wrap up the joke book and tie a crooked bow on top. "He's having fun. Why don't we buy something, too?"

"Like what?"

There was a crash from the ground floor, and a bitten-off oath was heard from the same direction.

"Weeeeeell…" Bella, scanning the piles of joke kits, did her best to find something she would even consider buying. Despite her relaxed, Jasper-influenced mood, she couldn't find a thing. She looked over at Emmett, who was proudly presenting Alice a messily-wrapped package. "I don't actually know."

"Erm, Bella," Edward's voice sounded rather strangled. "What about this?"

Bella turned to see what Edward held in his hand. It was so very un-Edward a choice, that she had to laugh. Edward could no longer hold it in, either. In the middle of Emmett and Rosalie's room, the two simply broke down and laughed till they cried (well, Bella cried, Edward being somewhat hampered in this department by the fact that he was a vampire), gasping for breath.

"Oh, Edward, how did you find…" Bella had to stop as another wave of laughter shook her from head to toe. Edward was just as weak.

"Hey, whatever it is, you can have it for free!" boomed Emmett from across the room. "If it makes _Edward_ laugh that much, just take it!" Another crash came from below. Jasper was obviously having trouble controlling his slime.

"You sure, Emmett?" Bella wanted to know. Edward's arm was casually slung around her shoulders. She twisted against it to check his 'brother's' face.

"I'm sure, lil' sis." Emmett grinned his wide grin and turned back to Alice, who was speedily unwrapping her purchase with elfin glee. Edward privately wondered what the point was of wrapping it up in the first place if she was just going to unwrap it again.

"Thanks, Emmett!"

"Anytime."

Edward, most uncharacteristically, grinned. (Jasper and Emmett were _definitely_ having an effect on him.) "You know what we're going to do with this?"

"What?" Bella wanted to know.

Edward bent down to whisper in her ear.

Bella drew back, startled. "Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"Oh… nothing. It's just very unlike you, that's all."

"Blame Jasper," grinned Edward, and caught something green that had just rocketed in through the doorway, the aforementioned Jasper following right behind it avidly, and screeching to a halt. He just avoided falling out of the (closed) window and breaking it to pieces. Again. Jasper had a bad history with windows.*

*See Cullenmania: Mythical Madness

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**Sorry this one was so late! I kind of forgot to post it :)**


	4. What Do You Get When

**I see I forgot to post a disclaimer the last time. Oops.**

**Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilight  
****Of this I am sure you're aware  
****She's written much more than I'll ever,  
****But I know that I've got better hair!**

**Actually, I'm not quite sure about the hair thing... hers is pretty awesome.  
**

* * *

"Hey, hey, hey!" Alice shrilled. Needless to say, she was excited. "Listen to this one!"

"Oh, no," groaned the normally tolerant Bella. "Not again."

Even Esme, who was sitting with Carlisle, gave a slight grimace. It was raining, and, shut up inside the house for the past two hours, Alice had been constantly telling a stream of idiotic, pointless jokes. Her favourites were the shaggy dog stories. After yet another story, the moral of which had been, 'two out of three people eat cornflakes for breakfast', and involving numerous pink characters situated in an extremely pink universe, Jasper had excused his excitable self from the joke shop, and gone to play with Emmett (whom he had managed to drag away from the excitement of commerce) and his green goo far away in the backyard, being careful of any mud puddles*. Bad Joke Fever was the last thing he wanted to project.

This had been an hour and forty-five minutes ago. Any 'Jasper effects' had long since disappeared for the others, and all that remained was the (extremely irritating) proof of Alice's susceptibility to her husband's emotional emanations. She also wouldn't allow anybody else to leave the room.

"Don't be silly, Bella!" said Alice. "I just know you'll love this one!"

"Will I?" Bella wanted to know under her breath.

Alice, of course, heard.

"Yes!" she said emphatically. "Listen, listen." The room rung with the sound of everyone's collective sighs. Alice ignored them.

"How can you get four suits for a dollar?"

"Gee, Alice, I don't know. How can you get four suits for a dollar?" Edward was sarcastic.

"Buy a deck of cards!" Alice lay back and howled with laughter. Nobody joined in.

Bella spoke up from across the room. "Actually, Alice, with inflation and all, I think you'll find it takes quite a bit more to buy a deck of cards…"

"Oh, Bella. It's just a—hey! Here's another one!"

"Here we go again," muttered Bella.

"Be strong, love, be strong." Edward spoke bravely (even though it was only Alice with her joke book), but Bella felt that she could take no more.

"Or, let's just slip quietly out of the room," said Bella so low only her boyfriend could hear (she was fast learning the skill from Edward).

"Oh no you don't!" said Alice. Bella looked up in alarm. "I can see what you're planning, remember? You're not going anywhere."

Bella and Edward, as one, heaved a sigh. Esme, taking pity on them, said to Alice, gently:

"Alice, dear, why don't you go find Emmett and Jasper, and show them your joke book. I'm sure Emmett especially would love to know that you're enjoying your book."

"Esme, that's a great idea!" Alice bounded out the back door at lightning speed, and the Cullen house was safe from bad jokes once more.  
"That was a great idea." Bella spoke with feeling.

Esme smiled. "Thankyou, dear." Bella smiled back.

"Bella?" asked Edward, suddenly, struck by her beautiful brown eyes when she smiled.  
"Yes?"

"Did you want to go for a walk now?" he looked down at her, overcome with love.

Bella shivered. "Yes, Edward," she said softly. "I'd like that."

"You might want to take your hat if you don't want to get your hair wet, Edward," interrupted someone tactlessly. Edward would have glared had that someone not been Carlisle. "It's still raining."

"Well, I'd better take my hat, then, hadn't I?" said Edward.

Bella giggled. "Not a saucepan, this time, then?"**

Edward would have glared at her, had he not been suddenly overcome with love as he looked into his girlfriend's brown eyes… those warm, beautiful brown eyes…

"Um, Edward?" The said Edward was jerked back to reality to find Bella staring at him with her brown eyes… He shook his head. There was a faint smile in those eyes that was utterly captivating. He didn't want to look away. But Bella was waiting for an answer. "Yes, love?"

"Are we going now?"

"Yes. Just let me get my…" he sped away, leaving Bella to fall down in his wake.

From the back garden, you could hear Alice saying, "What's prehistoric and ruins everything? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!" and Emmett falling about with laughter.

Needless to say, Jasper arrived back at the house very shortly after that. Esme and Carlisle left to investigate.

Oblivious to all else that was happening, Edward called to Bella from the third floor, "I'll be down soon, I just have to—hey. Where's my hat?"

_*See Cullenmania: Mythical Madness  
** See Cullenmania: Mythical Madness_

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**Reviews = awesome, but I won't lie awake sobbing at night if I don't get a bajillion. So don't feel guilt-tripped. :)  
**


	5. Curious Incident

**Obligatary Awful Poetic Disclaimer:**

**Twilight is not mine****  
****Hang your heads and whine****  
****It doesn't belong to you, either****  
****It's the work of Stephenie Meyer.**

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**4. Curious Incident**

A note of panic had crept into Edward's voice. Bella sighed. Her boyfriend did so love his hat. Considering the atmosphere around the house, Bella was sure it wasn't a coincidence that Edward's hat had gone missing.

However, as there was nothing she could do, she sat back and waited for something to happen.

It didn't. Jasper, sitting across from her, didn't look like he'd be doing anything anytime soon, except for turning green goo over and over in his hands. What he did look was utterly exhausted.

"Edward?" she called up, hoping against hope that the hat would be found.

"Bella!" came the reply.

"Edward?"

"_Bella!_"

"_Edward?"_

Edward broke first. "_What?_"

Bella yelled back, "What's going on?"

"I can't find my hat!"

"I _know_!"

"But, Bella, _I can't find my hat!_" Edward appeared at the top of the stairs, his face contorted oddly. "I can't _find_ it, Bella!"

Bella stared. "Are you… _crying_?" In a flash Edward was by her side, clinging to her, and sobbing without tears into her shoulder.

"I just c-can't fi-i-i-i-i…"

Bella whirled around and glared. "Jasper!"

"Sorry," said Jasper wearily. He couldn't muster up the energy for anything else.

"If you're going to make Edward all sad, you're also going to leave before I force you."

Jasper chuckled inwardly at the thought of Bella forcing him, which, due to his power, happened to have the effect of making both Edward and the aforementioned Bella chuckle.

Edward, however, was still crying. He was also still clinging very tightly to Bella, and she winced. But he was crying and laughing too hard to be able to stop.

Jasper started to chuckle

"Jasper, that's it!" giggled an annoyed Bella. "_You_ are going _outside_—"she pointed for effect—"and that. Is. All."

Jasper, somewhat taken aback, started up the stairs without saying a word.

Edward was still in hysterics.

"Oh no you don't!" laughed Bella, trying to prop her boyfriend up with her arm. "It's raining, so Edward can't leave. Which means I can't leave. Which means _you'll_ have to. I'm not going to risk being in the same house as you any longer!"

"Well, _fine_!" smirked Jasper, and whirled around to start back down the stairs mock-emphatically. However, he did so with so much intensity that the green slime flew out of his hand, and bounced around the room, eventually hitting Bella square in the forehead—so forcefully that she immediately fell over, whacking her head on the floor.

"Bella!" Edward flew to her side. "Are you alright? Speak to me, Bella!"

"U-ur-gh…" Bella moved her arm and groaned.

"Bella!"

"I… feel… light. And… airy…"

"Jasper, what have you done?" The vampire in question shrugged his shoulders helplessly, still smirking.

Bella pointed up at the ceiling. "Are those… ponies?" And then her eyes rolled up into the back of her head, leaving her no more than a dead weight in Edward's arms.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Edward, sinking to his knees.

Jasper, calculating that one desperately upset vampire was more than enough, quietly left the scene of the crime. He was feeling a little peckish, and he'd noticed a new type of squirrel in the woods…

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** I have only the slightest idea where this is heading. The one thing I can tell you is that it's going to get crazier from now on, and also, in an act of blatant foreshadowing, to pay attention to the last paragraph.**

**I'd love a review, but those ponies on the ceiling aren't going to appear in your nightmares if you don't write one :)  
**


	6. Well, That's One Way Of Starting A Fight

**Yeah, you are fully allowed to doubt me the next time I say something'll be up in a week. What's it been, a month? Two months?**

**Whatever the case, I'm sorry. I've just been very distracted. Glad you haven't been missing me so much as to start PMing me over it, otherwise I'd feel horribly guilty. Seriously. Welcome back. Hope you like, don't blame you if you don't!**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Twilight is the property  
Of Stephenie Meyer, and not me.**

* * *

Bella awoke on the couch to find Edward beside her, gazing into her eyes worriedly. She moved, and winced.

"Ow."

"Bella," he breathed. "Are you okay?"

"I don't… think so…"

"Where does it hurt, Bella?"

"Look at the pretty ponies, Edward!" she giggled, pointing to empty space.

"Bella?"

Bella was no longer lucid. Edward stood up, enraged. How dare this happen to the light of his life, the saviour of his world, the chocolate-eyed creature lying helpless on the couch beside him… Struggling to resist the temptation of gazing into her eyes, he shouted: "Jasper Hale!"

The vampire in question appeared in an instant and was immediately affected by Edward's anger and Bella's… whatever it was. "That's 'Whitlock Hale Cullen' to you, sir!" he shrieked, wiping the last vestiges of squirrel blood from his lips.

"You and your last names!"

"Oh, shut up! It's not my fault your girlfriend smashed her head in!"

"Is too!" Caught between terror over his girlfriend's fragile grip on sanity, extreme anger at Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen, and desire for revenge upon said Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen, Edward was reduced to the argument tactics of a toddler. However, the odds were still in his favour.

"What do you think this is going to do to her, in… her condition?"

All emotions were suddenly gone, to be replaced with one of flat surprise.

"Her condition?" Jasper was astounded.

"Her condition!"

"You mean she's…"

"What do you think, Jasper?"

Jasper, about to insist upon the use of his full name, thought better of it.

"Don't you dare say it!" Edward was a little late with his warning. Jasper had already moved on to thinking about other things, such as saying something like, "Oh, Edward, I didn't realise, and I'm really really sorry. Will you forgive me?"

So instead of saying this, he kept quiet and shifted his state of mind from forgiveness to blank, so quickly Edward never had a chance to see what was going on. His whole thought process had only lasted the tiniest fraction of a second.

"Don't you dare say anything!" Edward continued.

Jasper was growing vaguer and vaguer. His mind, blank as it was, had pulled him into a state of nothingness. A silly grin was plastered on his face, and he sat motionless, as stiff as a statue (Edward had learned from the best).

"Jasper?" Edward had finished his tirade to find his brother thoughtless, speechless, and motionless. "Jasper?" He waved a hand in front of his brother's face.

"Edward?" A voice from the couch called for his attention. It was Bella—awake, conscious, and completely certain that there were no ponies to be found within the room, or any other in the Cullen house.

"Yes, love?"

"Edward, I think you overdid the anger just a little too much." She sounded unimpressed, and yet her tone was a little unsteady.

"Oops."

They gazed at each other for a while, until Bella said, "Well, at least we've fooled him." She was feeling strangely light and buoyant…

"Lie down, Bella. Someone's coming," said Edward hazily, his senses, both physical and mental, blurring slowly. Bella obediently lay back down on the couch.

"You know, that was interesting, but it doesn't explain where my hat's gone," he slurred. This was directed toward a now-seemingly-unconscious Bella. Unfortunately, the remark coincided with Esme and Carlisle Cullen's entrance into the living room.

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**I give full credit to the 'I'm not thinking of anything gag' to Diana Wynne Jones' hilarious "Witch Week". Hopefully that will be the only idea I borrowed from somewhere else. Apart from, you know, the characters.**

**Reviews would be nice, and I'm not sure when I'll get around to posting the next chapter, because, you see, I have to write it and while I have the ideas in my head, they're just... not... wordifying... Agh!  
**

**Also, if you haven't read The Host, you should.  
**


	7. Vampires Can't Sleep

**FIRST CHAPTER OF 2010!!!**

**This year happens to be a rather important one for me (i.e. year twelve), so I'll probably be even more erratic in posting chapters than usual. Cue the gigantic sigh from everybody.  
**

**DISCLAIMER IMPLIED, WHINING EXPLICIT:**

**SMeyer, SMeyer, Cullen writer****  
Put in so many vampires****  
That the fanfic authors cuss  
And tear their hair out—what a fuss!**

**In trying to keep track of Bells,  
And Edward Cullen's private hells,  
(As well as Carlisle, Alice, too)  
Means fanfic's just like vampire stew**

**In which doth simmer, boil and steam  
The creations of Steph'nie's dream  
Did I forget to mention some?  
Oh, what the heck, you know the ones!**

**But seven beings are enough  
For any author—ain't it tough?  
I hope I've not left any out  
Or else I'll hear a backlash shout!**

**And that wouldn't be very nice. I hope you enjoy this one. All will be revealed… at some point in time, anyway.**

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"Carlisle… Esme… I… I…" stuttered Edward as he took in the sight of his parents. Unfortunately, his foggy mind wasn't prepared for their choice of costume. Jasper-inspired. Of course.

"Do you like it, Edward?"

Esme twirled on the spot.

"It's certainly… uh…" Edward was lost for words.

Carlisle moved closer to his wife. "She's stunning, isn't she?" he said affectionately, completely ignoring the fact that Edward's girlfriend was lying prostate on the couch in a manner that suggested she was knocked out.

"Carlisle!" But it had not been Edward who shrieked. Alice had run into the room, slightly water-spotted from the last of the rain, and skidded to a halt when she noticed the bright colours her foster-parents were decked out in. "You look great!"

Esme twirled again, this time much more slowly.

"What's going on…" Nobody seemed to hear Edward.

"You, uh… Do you like it, Alice?" said Carlisle, twirling in kind.

"I love it! The bagginess, and those cute flower buttons, and those amazing gigantic shoes... And the noses. _Where_ did you get the noses? They're so awesome!"

The reply was, of course, that Emmett had had them in his joke shop.

It was a while in coming, though, as both Esme and Carlisle had to collect their thoughts. What came out was, "Uh… Emmett… joke… thing—uh, shop…he had them," with both husband and wife joining in at different times.

This was good enough for Alice, who was, herself, feeling a little slow.

Edward looked on without interest. They were talking too quickly for his brain to process, and for some reason, his mental abilities weren't working very well at all. All he could focus on was the fact that his hat was missing.

Jasper, of course, was at it again. Edward got the sense that he was doing it on purpose, but he couldn't figure it out, and anyway, he was so tired…. Maybe Jasper had taken his hat…

It seemed perfectly natural to lie down and go to sleep beside Bella, who really was asleep by now. Lying down must have hastened the process.

He could hear vague comments, such as, "Aww, aren't they… sweet…." from Alice, and a "…….yes" in reply.

"I think I want to… to…" and then Esme was on the ground, snoring away.

Edward could smell her perfume. It smelt like… like… He tried to shrug his shoulders, and gave himself up to oblivion. He'd kill Jasper later…

In the realm of the conscious, Carlisle shrugged and said to himself, "Clown… rehearsals… wait… awhile…" and followed suit.

Alice was the last to succumb. She couldn't remember what she'd come to tell them. It had been important, she was sure. But all that really mattered was getting a good night's sleep. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept…

In the corner, Jasper was feeling delighted with the success of his influence over Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Bella, and Edward. He wondered how to get Emmett in the same room.

And when he had—which he would—well, what a fantastic practical joke! It would beat anything that Emmett's shop had to offer, and get Alice back for those terrible jokes.

He looked at the sleeping crowd, and decided it was safe to leave them in their slumber.

He got up to go to the shed.

And, finally, Bella, unaffected Bella*, opened her eyes with the merest hint of blear. She'd napped for long enough. She had something very important to do before Jasper returned…

*See Cullenmania: Mythical Madness

* * *

**Two things: please trust me on the whole sleeping vampires thing. And if this is getting too confusing, please let me know.**


	8. All About Bella

**Actually, I'm _not_ tired of writing, as it happens, but the bad disclaimer went with the good song that I couldn't get out of my head. ("On The Road Again" by Nine Below Zero, or Katie Melua. Depending on which version you like better. They're both awesome artists.) Enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Well, I'm so tired of writing, but I'm out scribbling again.  
Said, I'm so tired of writing, but I'm out scribbling again.  
I ain't the original writer of Twilight.**

**You know, the first time I started writing a Twilight fic (a Twilight fic)  
I said, the first time I started writing a Twilight fic (a Twilight fic)  
Oooh, I didn't know that I was supposed to disclaim it**

**But now I've learnt from my mistakes, so I'll stand up and say  
Oh, yeah, I've learnt from my mistakes, so I'll stand up and say (I'll stand up and say)  
Stephenie Meyer thought up them books, it was not my brain.**

* * *

"Hiya, Jasper!" Emmett looked up from his homemade firework factory.

"Hey, Emmett!" Jasper was at his euphoric best, not to mention at his most devious. "Did you know Bella's pregnant?"

"She's _what_?"

"Pregnant," Jasper told him unneccessarily. By the time he'd said it, Emmett had already registered the news.

He could see the joyous expression on his face. Not because he was happy to have a new life in the household. Not even because he knew it might make Rosalie happy to hold a child. No, Emmett was in a state of delight because now he had something _really_ good to tease his brother with.

"Well, she's finally—"

"Don't talk to _me_ about it!" Jasper shuddered. "Go tell _her_!"

"Right you are!" said Emmett cheerfully, and dragged Jasper off to the house, his mind full of ready wit and innuendo with which he could launch an attack on Bella.

As they ran, Jasper set to work on Emmett. His efforts were so successful that by the time they reached the house, Emmett could barely keep his eyes open. He walked through the door and fell straight onto the ground, fast asleep. His hand still clutched a half-finished firework.

Jasper could hardly keep from yowling with joy. He'd done it! He'd done it! He didn't know how, he didn't know why, but he'd done it! Nobody would yell at him again! They'd be far too scared of him to _ever_ steal his Gucci handbag—

Jasper realised that these emotions were emanating from a sleeping (and presumably dreaming) Alice. His grin fell flat. Now that everybody was asleep, he wondered what on earth he was going to do for fun.

Bella, however, was wondering impatiently how long she had to keep quiet. Her side was becoming very itchy. Eventually, she had to shift herself. She moaned with relief.

In a flash, Edward was up and by her side.

"Bella, are you okay?"

Bella blinked. "You're awake."

Against his better judgement, a bored Jasper joined in the conversation. "Why is that?" He was about to ask why Bella's stomach looked bigger already, but before he could, Edward turned and looked at him.

Before he knew what had happened, Jasper was shut up in his room, with only green slime for company. Perhaps he'd go out and find something else to eat. That squirrell he had eaten earlier had left him with a rather funny aftertaste in his mouth, and he wasn't sure he liked it. It was only then that he thought back to what Emmett had been doing in the shed, and wondered:

"Fireworks?"

* * *

**Please review! Seeing what you all have to say makes my day!**


	9. Rosalie Returns

**Guess who's back! I don't think I've posted anything on this story since...well, ages ago, cause Year 12 is knocking me for a loop, but I've only one more term to go. I'm trying to finish this story for you guys :). Like my profile says, I'm planning to have finished the Cullenmania series and my other Twilight stuff by the time Breaking Dawn part 2 comes out.**

**Disclaimer:**

**I do not own Twilight**  
**Twilight don't own me**  
**If anybody thinks so**  
**Then they have gone crazy.**

**(No offence meant, of course.) And now for the chapter in which Rosalie returns! But the story is not over yet. Not by a long shot!**

* * *

"Edward?"

"Rosalie? What are you doing here?"

For indeed, it was she.

"I left a couple of things here. My walking shoes, for one thing. You have no idea how much of a pain it is getting these high heels through a mess of sticks," said Rosalie, walking through the doorway. And stared.

"Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett…?" she muttered, amazed. Abruptly, she switched her attention to Bella and Edward. (Her eyes widened when she saw Bella's very obviously protruding stomach, but she ignored it for the meantime.) "Don't get me wrong, I'd dearly love to know how you did this."

A _thud_ sounded from the floor above, where a bored Jasper had returned to playing with his green slime.

"Well, nobody really kno—"

"But I'm going to grab my things from my room."

"No—!" Edward and Bella tried to protest, but she moved swiftly upstairs. They sank back on the couch, and waited for the storm to errupt. They weren't disappointed.

"EMMMMETTTT!" Rosalie shrieked. Emmett jerked awake at once and barely stopped to get his bearings before tearing out of the house at a speed only vampires can imagine. Rosalie followed him at just as fast a pace, leaving behind her echos of, "I can track you, Emmett, and you know it!"

_Thud._

"That was… very un-Rosalie," said a confused Bella. "I mean, she's mad, obviously, but this is, well… Undignified?"

Edward looked at her for a long, long moment. As one, they said, "Jasper."

The _thud_ that came from the ceiling was so quick it was as though the vampire in question had heard them.

"Is there anything we can do?" said Bella.

Edward shrugged. "Wait it out?"

"I like that idea."

They sat down on the couch and listened to yells of dismay that were coming from the garden shed. Three rather noisy, _thud_-fulminutes and one minor explosion later, Bella broke the (relative) silence.

"Edward?"

"Yes? Is something bothering you, my love?" Edward stared into those beautiful brown eyes, the eyes of his beloved, the only windows to her soul that he had…

They were dazzling. Simply… dazzling.

"Edward?"

_Thud._

"Yes… Is something bothering… you… love…?" Edward's mental facilities were slowing down quite rapidly. He gazed into her eyes, not wanting to look away. Ever.

"…Edward? Are you okay?"

"Yes… Is… some…thing… both…ing….love…?"

"_Edward_?" Bella stood up to go call Esme or Carlisle, not having remembered that both were currently unconscious on the loungeroom floor.

In a flash, Edward stood up with her, trying to see into her eyes.

"Oh, I'm cold," Bella said with a little shiver, then, noticing Edward: "Edward, are you sure you're okay?"

"Why…?" He moved as she did, imitating her rapid movements with precise accuracy, keeping his focus on her eyes.

"Edward…" Trying not to alarm her intimidating vampire suitor, Bella backed towards the door, only to trip over Emmett's firework shell, flail her way backwards, and then have her enlarged stomach caught between the doorway and the very same Emmett Cullen, who was at that moment racing back through the door.


	10. Awaken, O Sleepers!

**DISCLAIMER:**

**I cannot think of anything poetical to write**  
**About the many ways in which I do not own Twilight**  
**And so I fear, my friends, that you will have to be content**  
**With - Great. I had a rhyme but then it kinda up and went!**

**Yes, this is what you get from a girl with a cold :) Cinnamon Selkie is probably rolling in her grave right now. Although maybe not, since she's alive... **

**Dammit, my head hurts even trying to think about it. **

**Anyway, thanks for all your lovely enthusiastic reviews on the story so far-and for those who've commented on Mythical Madness; I'm glad I can make so many people laugh!**

* * *

"Ow!" Bella said as she lay on the floor, her head having narrowly missed the now-empty firework shell. Rosalie skirted her deftly, making her way up the stairs to deal with Emmett, who had left a gunpowder-like smell trailing through the house.

Edward raced to his girlfriend and stared into her eyes.

"Bel... oh…kay?" he said.

Bella's reply was interrupted by a commotion on the second floor, with not a few cries of pain mixed in. After ten seconds had passed, Rosalie appeared at the top of the stairs, a grim expression on her face. She had a tight grip on Emmett, who had a tight grip on Jasper—who had a tight grip on a torn ball dress and his green slime ball. He also had no idea whether he was supposed to be scared or annoyed: Emmett's fear was closer to him, but Rosalie's anger was far stronger.

He settled on annoyed.

"Wouldyouletmegonow?" he said to Emmett.

Emmett shook his head, his fear having been tainted with some of annoyance's stubbornness.

"Well then," said Rosalie, tilting her chin in a determined way. "I guess I'm going to bring you both down with me—Jasper, what _is_ that torn thing you're holding? Is that… _Alice's_ dress?"

Rosalie was just on the point of continuing with: "She's not going to be happy", when Alice sat bolt upright with a menacing glare. Emmett took this as a chance of escaping back through the second storey of the house. Rosalie went after him.

"Jasper, you haven't—! You have!" said Alice.

Jasper was instantly reduced to a gibbering wreck.

"Well she was dragging me, and I had to grab onto something and the wardrobe was close and—"

"Zip it."

"Sorry."

"Now, would you go and fix my dress for me please?"

"Yes, Alice." Handing over the slime ball, Jasper took the dress very carefully and walked away.

Having subdued him to her satisfaction, Alice continued to the general public, "Now, I came in to say something, but I can't remember what; all I remember is my dream— Wait, haveI been _asleep_? How is that possible_?_"

Nobody was listening. Nobody, that is, except for Carlisle, whose scientific curiosity was enough to propel him out of his slumber and into the real world.

"I have no idea, Alice," he said. "I've never heard of a vampire being asleep… except…"

He looked down at himself, barely registering the fact that he was still dressed in a clown costume, then stared back at his wife, who was also wearing clown clothes, and the only vampire in the house still asleep. "It's impossible!" he said, his brain struggling with the idea. "Isn't it?"

Alice was staring at him. "Or _is_ it?"

Bella, who was still lying prostrate on the floor with her stomach sticking into the air, made a move to get up. She was immediately flattened by Emmett, who was carrying five cardboard boxes of joke shop paraphernalia, and supervised by a smug Rosalie.

"Bel…!" said Edward. He peered into his girlfriend's eyes. "…la!" he said.

Carlisle's mind at once switched to medical attention for Bella. "Are you okay, Bella?"

"Well, I'd like to get up," said Bella, who was getting slightly frustrated.

"What are you doing down there, anyway?" Carlisle asked.

Bella blushed. "I think I tripped on something."

Carlisle's gaze wandered over to the firework shell that lay beside Bella. In an instant his face changed and he forgot Bella completely. "Who left _this_ here?" he growled.

"Probably Emmett," said Rosalie.

"You all _know_ how I hate mess! If I've told you once, I've told you all a dozen times! This house is to be kept clean!" Carlisle was off and away. In a matter of minutes, he had turned from scientist, to doctor, to maddened housewife.

Bella looked at the Cullens to see how she should behave. They were all standing still, waiting for Carlisle to finish.

He showed no signs of stopping; in fact, his voice was getting louder and higher with every passing moment. "…And _furthermore_, this case has _leaked gunpowder _right into the house and back to wherever it came from! It's a mess! I want this place cleaned from _top_ to _bottom_, RIGHT… now…?"

Carlisle's rage immediately dissipated at the sight of Esme rising from the floor. She was thoroughly awake, and quite concerned for her husband's state of mental health.

"Carlisle? What have I told you about getting worked up like this?"

"Um…"

"You _know_ it does nothing to help." Esme gradually steered Carlisle through the room, past the other occupants of the house, and up the stairs. "All it does is make everybody else mad. You're just lucky that Jasper wasn't here..."

"You know, I came in to say that Emmett's making fireworks out in the back shed, but after _that_ I don't think I'll bother now," said Alice to nobody in particular.

Bella looked around again. Everybody was back to normal. Except for Edward, who was still staring at her.

"Edward?"

No reply. He took a step toward her, eyes wide and staring-almost mesmerising.

"_Edward?_"

Still, nothing. Alice, seeing Bella's predicament, came over to help her.

Together, they shouted, "_Edward_?"

Edward only came closer, and closer…

* * *

**...And on that note, we end the chapter.  
**

**So, in Twilight-related news, I got to see _Eclipse _on opening night, and it was _awesome_. Definitely the best of the Twilight movies so far. The first one was fantastic for all the wrong reasons, and I didn't like the second. Plus, has anybody else read _The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner_ yet? I really liked it! This, coming from somebody who's gone from being a book-fan to a meh-fan, to a moderate movie-fan.  
**

**Reviews are appreciated, but I won't Edward-ise you if you don't leave one! :)  
**


	11. Family Secrets

**Today, dear readers, today is a day of great celebration. Because, you see, I have finally finished writing this story! The final chapters are sitting on my computer, just waiting to be posted! ****I just want to say thanks for putting up with my terrible update schedule this past year (I have this thing where I hate posting a chapter before I've written a new one. I must have posted about three updates altogether since January), and that I'm going to be more regular for the chapters we have left.****  
**

**Unfortunately, I can't promise anything for Twilight Outtakes and Character Death. *cringes*  
**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Twilight**  
**Not mine**  
**Ever**  
**All time.**

**Okay... not even sure that made sense, but you get the drift by now.  
**

* * *

Luckily, Esme had returned from installing Carlisle into his study just a few moments ago, and immediately came to Bella's and Edward's rescue.

"Edward, snap _out_ of it!" She clapped her hands in front of his face. Edward blinked and shook his head.

"What's going on?" he asked. "What—" He caught sight of Bella, still on the ground, and went back to gazing at her drippily.

"Bella?" said Esme.

"Yes?" said a worried Bella.

"I think Edward needs to be away from you for a while, sweetie. At least until I can find and deal with Jasper."

"You think it's Jasper who's making this happen?" Bella's bottom lip wobbled dangerously, causing Edward to move even closer to her.

"Bel…la…"

Bella shuffled backwards, cradling her rather large stomach and moving away from her boyfriend. "I don't like this, Esme. It's scaring me…"

Rosalie made no move to help Bella, instead sitting on the staircase and smirking.

"There, there, Bella," said Esme. "I'm going to take him upstairs and lay him down on the couch in his room, okay?"

Bella nodded. "Okay," she said, in a small voice.

"And to answer your question, I think it _is_ Jasper's influence that's making him behave like this, _but_ I don't think he can help it. If what I think has happened, _has_, well then…"

Leaving her sentence unfinished, Esme steered Edward upstairs.

"Go and sit down, Bella," she called back over her shoulder. "Alice, would you sweep that gunpowder out of the door so Carlisle doesn't have another heart attack?" Alice went to find a broom. Bella went, somewhat awkwardly, considering that the size of her stomach hindered her in her movements quite a bit.

She narrowly missed being knocked over by Emmett, who himself narrowly missed being tripped up by the broom Alice was wielding. He was carrying four stacked-up, over-full cardboard boxes down the stairs and through the back door. Rosalie was supervising him, arms folded, with a smug expression on her face.

"What's the matter, Emmett?" said Alice with a smirk as she dusted the last of the gunpowder out the front door and onto the grass. "Not strong enough to handle less than ten boxes?"

"Very funny, Alice," Emmett retorted, his voice slightly muffled by the cardboard in front of him.

"Although you were strong enough to break the entire south wall of Irina's house," said Bella. "How did you do that? It must have been pretty hard to do something like that."

Emmett looked at Rosalie, and then said quickly, "Anyway, Alice, ten whole boxes wouldn't fit through the door."

"Neither will the amount you've got," observed Jasper, who had followed Emmett into the living room. He was wearing what looked suspiciously like a slip over his normal clothes.

Alice stared at him; then her underwear; then him again. Had his system still contained blood, Jasper would have blushed. "It's easier to fix a dress if you wear it!" he said defiantly.

"Sure, sure," said Emmett, making for the door and promptly knocking the top box and its contents everywhere in the room. Rosalie sighed, and began to help her husband pick everything up.

Jasper would have enjoyed the moment had it not been for his own discomfort.

"It does look a little suss, Jasper," said Bella, trying not to giggle.

"Yeah, well…" said Jasper, still a little embarrassed. He opened his mouth to say something further, but Esme's reappearance cut him off from saying anything else. Her next words were not encouraging.

"Jasper Hale, I want you over here _right now_!"

"Aw, great. What did I do now?" Jasper said.

Esme frowned at him severely, and laid a hand on the bottom of the bannister. Despite the fact that she was still wearing her clown clothes, she still managed to look stern. "And you, Bella. Come."

"Me!"

"Yes, you. _Now_."

Bella went.

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this," sniggered Emmett, who had by this time returned to grab a second. Rosalie and Alice also looked rather intrigued.

"Now, Bella, I put Edward into his room, and I'm a little shocked that there happens to be a rather large… shall we say… _four-poster bed_ in there?"

Emmett tried, rather unsuccessfully, to smother another smirk.

"Oh, that," Bella said, looking uncomfortable. Esme made her disproval clear. "You're too young, Bella."

"Unlike some people," said Emmett smugly, reaching for Rosalie, who wasn't quite fast enough to duck out of range.

"Was there anything you wanted to tell us?" asked Esme, staring pointedly at Bella's torso.

"Come on, Bella," Alice chimed in. "How long did you think you could keep _that_"—she pointed to Bella's stomach (by this time grown to mythic proportions)—"a secret? Come to think of it, you weren't like that this morning. How come it's so…"

She trailed off, at the same moment that Rosalie's eyes narrowed. "Demon spawn!"

And with that, things began to happen rather quickly. Rosalie launched herself across the room as though she were a lioness lunging in for the kill. Bella shrieked, which, combined with the thoughts in the surrounding vampires' heads, brought Edward running toward her to defend her from his crazed sister. However, as Rosalie was still half in Emmett's arms, they acted as an anchor to keep her on the ground, and she brought both herself and her husband to the ground with a thud.

Not to be defeated, Rosalie scrabbled around on the ground, searching for a way to get up and reach Bella. "Let me at her! Let me at her! It'll grow even _bigger_ if we don't do something!" But Emmett, stunned momentarily by the heavy fall to the ground, hung on to her blindly, and as a result, she went nowhere.

Edward and Bella took one look at each other and collapsed in laughter almost as violent as when, earlier in the day, they had discovered that special and hilarious something in Emmett's joke shop… Something that Emmett had given them for free…

Taken aback by their reaction, Esme said, "Am I missing something here?"

"I think it's the same thing I'm missing," said Alice, slightly disconcerted at not being in on the loop for once.

"You mean you didn't see it?" said Edward, through spasms of laughter.

"Come on, you can't expect me to catch _everything_."

Having finally managed to haul herself upright, Rosalie put her hands on her hips and said, "What's going on?"

Jasper and a recovered Emmett echoed her in sync: "Yeah, what's going on?"

"Sure you want to know?" said Bella.

"Duh," said Alice.

"Well, I'll tell you," said Bella, before she erupted in laughter again, clinging to Edward for support.

"Bella!"

Finally, after what seemed like an age to the waiting group, Bella raised her head and said, "Okay, okay…"

* * *

**And on that cliffhanger, we end...  
**

**I love reviews, but, let's be honest, it won't kill me if you don't write one. :)**

**EDIT: I feel like such an idiot. I promised SAVANNAAHxEzTwilight that I'd plug her Twilight RP forum, and then what do I do but forget to mention it? At the moment, I believe they're going shopping, which should be fun and interesting :P The link is here:** /myfor ums/SAVANNAA Hx3zTwilight/2454940/


	12. In Which Bella's Condition Is Revealed

**And here we have the reveal you've all been waiting for, ever since... woah, 2009? I really don't update fast, do I?  
**

**STANDARD AWFUL POETIC DISCLAIMER:**

**Stephenie Meyer wrote four large books**  
**She called them 'The Twilight Saga'**  
**If I ever lay claim to owning these works**  
**You know I've drunk too much lager.**

**(You know, I kind of have to agree with cleolinda. For a saga, it doesn't have much in the way of Vikings...)**

**(Now I'm imagining Edward and Bella with matching horned helmets and swords going out to face Victoria's army of newborns. In a longboat.)  
**

* * *

"A pump-up pregnancy belly set?" said Jasper incredulously.

Emmett snapped his fingers. "You know, I completely forgot about that!"

Rosalie turned on him. "Emmett, you knew about this?"

"Aw, come on!" Emmett whined. "I forgot!"

"So you said."

"Actually, I remember something about it," said Alice. "It was while I was unwrapping my joke book..."

"Let's not start that again," said Bella with a groan.

"Enough!" said Esme.

Emmett said, "Yeah, thank goodness that joke book's back in the shed, or I'd—"

"_Enough!_"

This time, Esme got the desired effect.

"Jasper, you do remember that I called you over for something, don't you?"

Jasper, wondering if it was safe to answer, nodded.

"Somebody, and it must have been _you_, because nobody else can do that kind of thing, sent everybody into a trance."

Jasper hung his head.

"Would you like to tell us why?"

"I, uh, I think... Revenge…for something… maybe Alice's jokes…"

"Hey!" Everyone ignored Alice.

"But…" Jasper lifted his head, quickly lowering it again. "Esme, I have no idea why I would do that."

"Well, let's see. We're going to have to get to the bottom of this. We know you're impressionable. I remember that this happened once before, but I can't remember the circumstances…" Jasper looked up, interested in Esme's chain of thought. Catching a good glimpse of his face for the first time, Esme noticed something strange. "Jasper, your eyes are very light for somebody who hasn't been hunting since last week."

"I had a squirrel a couple of hours ago," said Jasper.

"Oh," said Esme. Then, "_Oh!_"

"What?" said Alice.

"Of course! Don't you remember the last time this happened, Jasper? You'd just had something to eat a while before that, and we worked out that that must have been it!"

"Yes, but all I had was a squirrel! Nothing odd about that!"

"Jasper," said Esme. "That wasn't a squirrel. It can't have been."

"What?" said Bella, Edward and Jasper.

"That was a cat."

For a moment, there was silence. Rosalie rolled her eyes, and Emmett sniggered. Alice was thinking fast.

"What?" said Bella, Edward and Jasper.

"You heard me," said Esme.

The entire Cullen clan, minus Esme (and Carlisle, who wasn't there) turned to look at Jasper.

"What? I was hungry! I didn't realise!"

"Vampire allergies," said Esme. "It's the only thing it can be. Jasper, you're going to have to be more careful next time. Your mood-changing powers seem to extend to... well, being able to make people fall asleep, whenever you drink a cat."

Alice clicked her fingers so hard she nearly cracked one of them. "That's got to be why Edward was so loopy back there, Bella!"

"I was... _loopy_? When did this happen?"

"How?" asked Bella, ignoring her boyfriend.

"All I can think of is that he must've been still under Jasper's influence," said Rosalie, before Alice could explain. "I know he was the first one of all of you to wake up, so he must not have slept it all off yet."

"Slept what off?" said Edward. Nobody paid him the slightest bit of attention.

"And none of you woke up until something you cared about was happening. Emmett and me yelling at him, Alice and her dress getting torn—Jasper, you're still wearing that slip, by the way."

"You know... that makes _sense_, in a weird sort of way," said Bella. "I guess everything weird that's happened lately is because of this, then?"

"Well, aside from Emmett starting that joke shop in the first place, yes," said Jasper, fingering the slip. He'd grown rather attached to it.

"Hey, don't blame me! What about Bella's—" Emmett snickered—"pregnancy?"

"Emmett?" said Rosalie. "That _was_ your fault."

Emmett ignored his wife. "So you've really been pumping up that belly the whole time, Bella?"

"Ye-es..." said Bella, not sure where Emmett was going with this.

"And it was just the pregnancy belly and you guys didn't…"

"_No_!" thundered Edward, who finally understood _something _that was going on.

"Unfortunately," muttered Bella. Unfortunately for _her_, she'd forgotten about vampire hearing. Every single one of them started to laugh—except for Rosalie. All _she_ said was, "Well, I've got what I came for anyway, so I'm going now. Emmett... just behave yourself. And Esme—Esme, _what_ are you wearing?"

Esme looked down at herself, then back at Rosalie. "Clown clothes. Blame Jasper."

Jasper did his best to melt away into the background.

Emmett recovered from his laughter enough to ask, "Come on, Rose, can't I come with you?"

"I told you, Irina doesn't want to have to clean up another wall in her house! If you break things, you can't expect to be invited back."

Esme said, "Well, goodbye Rosalie, and take care. Anyway, since all that gunpowder mess has been swept into the garden, I'd say it's safe to go get Carlisle again—and maybe change out of these clothes." She began walking upstairs, then paused.

"Emmett, how _did_ you break the south wall of Irina's house, anyway?"

"Not telling," mumbled Emmett. Rosalie rolled her eyes yet again and left the house.

* * *

**Poor Jasper—he never gets a break! Props to Nicky-Hale for putting Jasper drinking a cat in her awesome and sadly now-deleted fanfic _A Cullen Tale_; that's what sparked me off. ****Just a little homage to the first fic I read and loved. **

**Personally, I think Jasper drinking a cat should totally become fanon. Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling now, because I have two announcements: **

**Firstly, I'm changing my username to pianissimotion very soon (last name change ever, because I've finally found The One), so I'm warning you now.  
Secondly: this isn't the end of _House of Fun_. We still have an epilogue to do, and in the author's note to that, I'll let you know what's going on with Cullenmania 3.  
**


	13. A Nice Long Epilogue

**Final chapter of House of Fun! I hope you've enjoyed it. Since it's midnight right now and I have no idea what I'm doing up at this hour (especially with finals in one friggin' week!), except that you guys have probably waited far too long for this chapter of delicious Emmetty goodness, I"m skipping the bad poetic disclaimer we've all come to know and... tolerate.**

**It may not be as funny as the rest of the story, considering the windy-down-y nature of an epilog****ue—but**** then, I don't want to jinx myself, do I?  


* * *

**"Right, she's gone," said Emmett. "What can we do now?" He paused for a moment. "...You know, I'm kind of in the mood for a bonfire."

"Sounds good to me," said Alice.

"Me too," said Bella.

"Well... why not, I guess," said Edward, a little sadly. The events of the day had distracted him for a while, but now that it was all over, he was still a little sad about his hat missing. It was just lucky it was a sunny day—if it had been raining, even drizzling, he wouldn't even have considered going outside. His hair was too important to treat lightly.

Edward, of course, hadn't considered that had it been raining, nobody would have even tried to light a bonfireexcept perhaps Emmett.

"What about your fireworks?" said Jasper. "Weren't you doing something with those?"

"Yeah, some other time," said Emmett. "But right now, it's _bonfire time_!"

Soon there was a large, well-arranged pile of wood in the back garden. Emmett stood over Alice and Jasper, supervising their arrangement of the kindling.

"No, small ones first, a bit of newspaper, and—No! Don't put a large piece over the top of all those ones! You need to give it room to breathe..."

"Calm down, Emmett," said Bella, who was alternately helping Edward lay out makeshift wooden seats for the bonfire, and comforting him about his hat. Daily tasks had become so much easier for her ever since the size of her stomach had returned back to normal.

Emmett ignored her. "...and leave that piece of wood for last." he said, appearing to have finished his spiel.

"Yes, oh master," muttered Alice. She would have said more, only Carlisle came stomping out of the house.

"What _is_ this pile of rubbish?" he demanded.

"Just a bonfire, Carlisle," said Bella, smiling disarmingly at him. It worked.

"What?" said Carlisle. "Oh. Well, clean up after yourselves, I suppose. And _no mess._"

"Yes, Carlisle," chirped Bella, Alice and somebody else.

There was a short pause as the group reflected on guys' voices reaching heights no guy's voice should go to.

"Emmett, was that _you_?" said Edward finally.

"A guy can join in if he wants to," said Emmett.

Carlisle decided to go inside the house before a vampiric aneurysm took hold of him and did unspeakable things to his long-empty blood vessels.

Emmett said: "All right, that's the kindling sorted out. Now, light it!"

Jasper struck a match and threw it onto the middle of the bonfire, which was about a metre wide in all directions (Emmett was very thorough). The newspaper and thin kindling caught alight.

Everybody watched the bonfire burn for a few minutes in silence, Emmett heaving on a piece of wood every so often. As the wood was burning up, not out, it took a little while to spread to the outside of the kindling. The fire seemed to have a relaxing, soothing effect on all of them—just what they all needed, reflected Alice, after such an... odd day. She idly fingered the green slime in her pocket, where it still lay after she had confiscated it from Jasper.

A few minutes later, Bella sniffed the air. "What's that smell? And that sizzling noise?"

"Probably just the wood catching alight properly," said Jasper lazily, staring into the fire.

"Oh."

Something caught Edward's eye. "Um, guys..."

"It's so relaxing, isn't it," said Alice.

"Mmm," said Emmett, whose current lack of hyperactivity could certainly testify to the calming effect of watching a fire.

"Guys..."

"It's really pretty," Bella said. "But I can still smell that—"

"Guys!"

"_What_?" A very annoyed group swivelled their heads to look at Edward.

"What's _wrong_, Edward?" said Alice, annoyed.

Edward pointed to where sparks were travelling along streaks of gunpowder that all lead from a pile in front of the house, and appeared to lead to the shed. The same shed that Emmett had been making fireworks in. The effect was rather as if somebody had laid several strings of fairy lights in the grass and then turned them all on at once. "That."

Immediately, there was chaos.

"Somebody put it out!"

"I'm a vampire, I'll burn!"

"Bella, would you...?"

"Hey, just because I'm a human, doesn't make me invulnerable to _gunpowder_."

"Well, somebody do something!"

"Yeah, or Carlisle'll _murder_ us!"

"Too late!" said Alice, pointing at the flame, which was quickly moving along the paths of spilt gunpowder. They had spread wildly across the grass previously, but were now coming closer together again, moving further and further to Emmett's firework-factory shed...

"Bella, get down!" howled Edward, throwing himself across his beloved's body to protect her from the—

At that moment, something went_ BOOM!_

Pieces of shed went everywhere. Old firework cases rained down on top of the Cullens' heads. Dust was all over the place. Fireworks screamed toward the sky and in all sorts of directions. Debris hit the house.

Rosalie, having returned once again, this time on an errand particularly dear to Edward's heart, was extremely unprepared for the scene she came upon.

As brown dust swirled in the air, she held up a rather distinctive floppy object and said rather lamely, "Edward, I think I found your hat."

Edward's head popped up from the eddies of dust in the air, startling Rosalie just a little. "What! Where?" he said.

"It was at the bottom of my suitcase, for some reason," said Rosalie.

"Oh, _thank_ you, Rose. Thank you, thank you!" The grin on Edward's face almost split his face in two. "It's my hat! My hat, Bella!" Edward placed it on top of his head with the utmost care, picked up his girlfriend, and began to cavort wildly around the garden. Bella frowned, confused, but played along.

The joyous reclamation was interrupted by one very angry vampire.

_"What was that?"_

"Carlisle!" said Edward, stopping the dance immediately and nearly dropping Bella. "Isn't it fantastic, Carlisle? Rosalie's found my hat!"

Carlisle stared at the damage that had been done to the garden. Dust all over the place. Pieces of wood and steel and firework cases nested in trees and bushes and burn marks on the grass. And the broken, ruined stumps of what had been a shed. "Fantastic? _Fantastic?_ Edward Cullen, this is the worst thing that's ever happened in my life! My poor backyard. What am I going to do?"

Far from being angry, Carlisle seemed to be on the verge of the vampire equivalent of tears, until Esme hurried out of the house, and carefully led her poor, broken husband back inside.

"So, Emmett," said Alice. "You seem to be good at wrecking buildings, don't you. Irina's house and now _this_. Please don't tell me you did exactly the same thing to Irina's house. Or no wonder she's so mad at you..."

Emmett rose up from the dust, ignoring Alice's statement and doing his best to carry on. "But it was totally worth it! Right, guys?"

It seemed to most people there that the only reason Jasper got up from the ground was to stare blankly at Emmett, informing him that this had _not_, in fact, been worth it.

"Right, guys?" Emmett said again.

Rosalie sniffed the air. From the smell, which was very similar to the disaster area of Irina's house, it seemed as though Alice might have been right about gunpowder featuring in both scenarios. About to bawl her husband out for being so stupid, _twice_ over, she caught the desperate look on his face and took pity on him.

"Oh, I suppose it was kind of funny," she said slowly.

"Aside from getting squashed by a few hundred pounds of vampire." Bella narrowed her eyes at Edward, who was too busy caressing his rediscovered hat to notice.

"And that shed _did_ need redecorating, anyway," said Alice. "Now that it's all gone, we can just build a new one. Esme will like designing it, and I'll decorate it and we'll put all new stuff in it and—hey!" Abruptly, her mood turned from one of joy, to one of abject dismay. "My joke book! I left it in the shed!"

All eyes turned towards the smoking remains of the shed. A smattering of light pages still descended from the air, where they had been tossed high by the explosion. Alice's joke book had definitely not survived, to the relief of the many who had had to endure her jokes that morning.

"What am I going to do?" she wailed.

"Forget it," said Jasper firmly.

Alice fished out the green slime from her pocket and threw it at him.

THE END.

* * *

**Well, it might be the end of the story but it's not the end of the series. Like I said last time, we still have Cullenmania 3: Sold Out before that happens. ****So don't take this story off alert just yet: I'll post the link to Sold Out when it goes up. If the story wants to co-operate (so far it isn't, and it's really annoying me), my updates should be a bit more regular then. Because after November, NO MORE SCHOOL! YAY!**

**Wish me luck on my finals! Considering my marks on my pre-final exams, I'm going to need it...**

**Also, don't forget to check out the other stories on my profile. Twilight humour or not, you may find something you like! And just to pimp myself a little bit more, I've entered the latest Writers Anonymous Forum challenge, so by October 31 there'll be a Twilight psychological horror oneshot (that doubles as the tentative introduction to a new fic) on my profile...if you like that kind of thing.  
**

**And finally, an end-of-story celebration review would be just luv-er-ly, chaps :) Thanks to everybody who's read and/or reviewed so far, and in advance to the readers to come!**

**stephanie :)**

**..**

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**(I think I've just exceeded the recommended dose of exclamation marks. Twice...)**


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